Forty-three highly sociable people, from Ivy Getty to Rufus Wainwright, offer tips on how to be a stellar guest and a gracious host. Read this before you say yes to the next invitation. As the summertime social whirl was about to begin, we asked dozens of socially adept people — socialites, artists, designers, restaurateurs, party planners — to weigh in on how to be the kind of guest who gets invited back and how to be a gracious host.Their advice addresses all aspects of party-going and party-throwing, from dealing with the jitters that may go with preparing for a social event to saying a proper goodbye at night’s end.We’ve divided their counsel into eight chapters: Getting Ready; Entering the Space; How to Converse; Party Etiquette; Hot Topics; Drinking, Gummies, Etc.; Houseguests; and When the Party’s Over.(Interviews have been condensed and edited for clarity.) 1 Getting Ready For guests and hosts alike, it’s a good idea to develop the right mind-set before the party gets started, our interviewees said. Lang Phipps, copywriterYou want to feel happy to see people. If there’s some anxiety about it, you have to get into your “people mode” and out of “yourself mode,” which may require changing the channel in your psyche a little bit. You have to put on that social facade. Rebecca Gardner, event planner, interior designerWhen you accept an invitation, you have an obligation to bring something. You can be the most beautiful person at the party who brings glamour. You can be the person who brings an expensive wine. Or you can bring a sprinkle — which means you sprinkle joy or wit or personality to a party. You have to bring something. Sarah Harrelson, editor in chief of Cultured magazineIf you’re going to go, go. Do not plan to leave the party early. If you have to leave early, I say do not come. And don’t ask who else is coming. That is rude. Alex Hitz, chef, authorBring a sense of humor. Bring positive energy. That anecdote of yours? Cut it by 98 percent, practice it in front of the mirror, and in six months you can bring it to the party.If you get dressed for a party, make an effort. You honor your host by making an effort. You don’t show up in Uggs and a neck doughnut. Ariel Arce, bar and restaurant owner, caviar entrepreneurTake a Genius beforehand. It’s a fantastic edible, with THC and caffeine, so you’re chatty but a little loose. Larry Milstein, entrepreneurEat beforehand. You aren’t distracted about what’s being served or chasing down a tray of mini hot dogs, letting you focus on the most important thing: connecting with people. Maneesh Goyal, bar and restaurant ownerThere are certain things that will irk the host. One is when you ask the question that should never be asked: “What should I bring?” Instead, you should say, “I’m already planning on bringing some Champagne and wine. What else should I bring?” Or don’t even ask and just show up with something! Wes Gordon, creative directorRemember, no matter how nervous you may feel as a guest, the hosts are most likely more nervous and stressed. As the guest, you have the easier job. 2 Entering the Space The very start of a party can be its own special challenge. Our interviewees had advice on how to step into the arena. Lizzi Bickford Meadow, brand strategistSmile! It’s as simple as that. Walk into a room with a friendly demeanor. If you don’t know the host, find them and introduce yourself. Tefi Pessoa, pop culture commentator, online content creatorI decide that everyone in the room already likes me before I even enter said room. Daisy Prince, journalistThere’s a New Yorker cartoon my parents used to have in our kitchen. It was just a picture of a bunch of people standing in suits and dresses. They’re all having what looks like a very adult conversation, and the bubble above the newcomer is: “Yikes, grown-ups.” I think there’s always a little “yikes, grown-ups” for all of us. So just settle for a minute and then go to the hostess, because your duty, as a guest, is certainly to say hello. Kristy Hurt, headhunter, career coachMake three connections. You don’t have to meet every single person, but go into the party and meet three people. Ten words or less. Elevator pitch. Kendall Werts, talent agency co-founderDon’t forget to laugh. It’s about your eyes and your smile. Nobody wants to work to bring you out of your sad-sack shell! Rufus Wainwright, singer-songwriterYou have to be athletic and work the room. Separate from your partner. Both of you should cover each side. Harry Hurt III, journalistWhen working a room, it’s best to obey the 30-second rule: Say hello, talk, and quickly move on. Liz Lange, designer, owner, Grey Gardens estate, East Hampton, N.Y.You don’t want the person you’re speaking with to think you want to move onto someone else “better.” But you don’t want to spend the evening sequestered in the corner with just one person. After a few minutes, it’s polite to excuse yourself by saying you want to refresh your drink. Athena Calderone, interior designerSome of my earliest friends in New York remember me as a wallflower. I was so nervous when people would ask me “What do you do?” That was a scary question, because I had yet to define the answer. These feelings can affect your presence in a space. I think it’s important to show up anyway and be who you are. Jennifer Gilbert, event plannerStop bringing candles to people’s homes. We all know they’re regifted. There are only so many candles any house can take! Kyle Hotchkiss Carone, hospitality executiveI hate that move of pretending it’s the first time you’ve met someone, because you’re worried the other person won’t remember you. It’s: “Nice to see you.” Not: “Nice to meet you.” Always! Molly Jong-Fast, writer, political commentatorEven if you forget who somebody is, pretend you remember them, because people hate it when you forget them. Just pretend you remember people, even if you don’t, because it’s just kind. One thing I’ve noticed is that people in New York sometimes pretend not to know you, even if they do, whereas people in D.C. pretend to know you, even if they don’t. Bronson van Wyck, event planner, authorThe best way to make a bad impression is to complain. You may think you’re bonding with another guest by complaining, but that’s a cheap bond. You’re not adding anything when you say something like, “Can you believe how long it took to get here?” Impana Srikantappa, investment executiveRelax. Everything is going to be fine. If you operate with the mind-set of “everything is going to be fine,” then everything is going to be fine. But if you stress out, then everything is going to stress you out. 3 How to Converse It seems to come down to listening and asking questions — and resisting the temptation to make it all about you. Laila Gohar, culinary artistI have this theory that dinner guests fall into two different categories: “characters” and “glues.” Characters are big personalities, the life of the party. They are conversation-starters. Glues are good listeners. They’re soft-spoken and hold conversations together. You need the right balance. Too many characters will start competing for attention. Too much glue and things can get boring. When I put together a guest list, I think of it like casting a movie. Susan Gutfreund, socialiteA good dinner party is where you mix people up. You mix them up, and you pray it’s going to work like a horse race — you pray it’ll go down to the end, to the wire. Josh Flagg, real estate agent, TV personality, authorIf somebody’s having a bad day, I get it. And if you make it the topic of conversation for the entire dinner party, that’s fine — you just won’t be invited again. Bronson van WyckThis is one of the top three things a great guest can do for a host: Figure out the person who knows the fewest people or is the most socially awkward, and go talk to them for five minutes. They’re there because the host cares about them, presumably. And the host wants this person to have a nice time. You can help make that happen! Max Tucci, restaurateurA good guest is someone who shows up authentically and doesn’t try to be someone else. Name-dropping, being affected, social-climbing — leave all that at the door. Sara Ruffin Costello, hotel designer, advice columnistI have a friend who talks a lot. People are excusing themselves to go to the bathroom when they get stuck with her. Try listening. When in doubt, try David Sedaris’s bizarre conversational icebreakers. “How long have you known your dentist?” You have to have a certain personality to pull that off. Alex HitzA party is not a therapy session. No one wants to hear your problems at a party. There’s the terrible renovation story that no one wants to hear. And no one wants to know what’s wrong with you physically. They’ll call you a bore. Tell a joke or two. Tell everyone they look great. Kyle Hotchkiss CaroneThere is a specific skill that is probably just charisma, but it’s when you know how to meet the energy of the person or group you are chatting with. I hate being asked very specific questions. Tell me a story. If it’s interesting, I’ll tell you one back. And around and around we’ll go. Kendall Werts“Real Housewives” is always a good source of conversation, because these people aren’t real, but they remind you of people in your own lives. You can’t go wrong talking about scandals and celebrities. I hear a lot of things out there on the streets. People love to hear about that. It’s very Truman Capote. People want to drink the tea. 4 Party Etiquette Smartphones, social media, food, footwear and punctuality were topics that came up when our interviews touched on party don’ts. Maneesh GoyalNever show up early, because the host is always frantic and needs that last half-hour. Bronson van WyckShow up 15 minutes late. Even the best host or hostess appreciates that grace period. It’s beyond priceless. Jennifer GilbertDon’t go walking into somebody’s house and automatically think you can smoke. Ask. And don’t bother the host in the kitchen. Romilly Newman, chef, food stylist, social media personalityDon’t bring a guest to a seated dinner. People just say, “Oh, can I bring my amazing friend?” And it’ll be 20 minutes before. Rebecca GardnerPlease don’t ask people to take off their shoes when entering your apartment. It’s rude. Romilly NewmanWhen you invite people into your home, you need to let go. You can’t be like, “You can’t touch this” and “You have to take your shoes off” and “If you spill something, you are in trouble.” Hosting is letting your guests enjoy themselves. Alex HitzDo not tell your host what you can or cannot eat. Your host is not an airline or a short-order kitchen. Max TucciFor hosts, don’t assume people are not allergic to things. Ask if there are any food allergies from the beginning. Emily Post would never have said that, but in the climate we’re in today, it can change the whole night. Susan GutfreundYou have to be responsible. This one is a vegetarian, which is a new thing in today’s world, versus the old days, where you just served a meal. Today, you have to be very aware — vegetarian, vegan, all these things. And you do the best you can. Jennifer GilbertAs a hostess, always have something vegan, because the whole world is funny about food now. There should be a gluten-free, dairy-free vegan option, because if people don’t tell you beforehand, you’re like, “Here’s some lettuce.” They’re sitting there with an empty plate, and you feel terrible. Max TucciIf you’re going to have a sit-down, I love name cards. Now, my trick for name cards is to write the name on both sides, so if someone’s sitting at the table and doesn’t know the other person, they can read the name. Rufus WainwrightIn Europe, it’s very gauche at a dinner party to sit next to your husband. You have to sit with somebody else. They never seat married people together. Lela Rose, fashion designerI never sit spouses together. You see your spouse all the time. Maneesh GoyalThere is nothing worse than a guest who is on their phone. Always being on your phone, or only talking to one person the entire time, is the worst. Larry MilsteinThe best decision I made when hosting a milestone birthday was asking people to stow away their phones upon arrival. It changed the entire dynamic of the evening. As the meme goes, “Not a cellphone in sight, just people living in the moment.” Lizzi Bickford MeadowPosting from an event can be tricky. If it’s a private gathering, I think it’s nice to ask the host if they’re OK with you posting. They may want to keep it just that — private! Kyle Hotchkiss CaroneI think it’s strange to Instagram someone else’s home. I’m not sure why; it just feels wrong. Zibby Owens, media executive, bookstore ownerIf you’re in someone’s house, don’t go secretly snooping around and posting photos. Also, take cues from the host. If they’re posting pictures, by all means post back. But never post somebody’s children. Unless you ask first, don’t even take their picture. Molly Jong-FastIt’s bad guesting to immediately call gossip pages after a party. That’s called bad guesting. 5 Hot Topics In a time of political polarization and war, are some things off-limits? The answers varied. Harry Hurt IIIDo not discuss politics, religion, or pornography, all of which are quite similar. Liz LangeNo! Everything is fair game! I don’t believe in the old rule of no politics, no religion, no money, no sex. It’s all fair game. Elise Taylor, senior writer, VogueI do believe no one’s mind is being changed over a cheese plate at a cocktail party. Bronson van WyckGosh, I don’t think you can avoid certain topics in 2024. I think the world would be a better place if more people of different viewpoints broke bread and shared a glass of wine and talked about things. Lang PhippsIt’s just tacky to talk politics when it’s so divisive. Plum Sykes, journalist, novelist, socialiteI think we are in a time of perhaps the most geopolitical instability I have seen in my lifetime — it would be odd to avoid such subjects. I recently sat next to a wildly well-informed media baron and asked him for his views on Trump, Biden, Ukraine and Putin, and I had a fascinating dinner. Ask people their views, be interested in others, and you will get invited back over and over. Julie Reiner, bar ownerTalking politics these days can shut down a good party. I think knowing your audience will help you decipher whether or not any topic is OK. Jennifer GilbertI had a dinner maybe a month and a half ago, and I invited a diverse group. It started with the whole can-you-believe-what’s-going-on-with-college-campuses type of thing. And it got so heated that somebody threw their drink across the table, looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t sit here if these are your friends,” and stormed out.It was a woman who stormed out. She threw the contents of the drink — she didn’t throw the glass, but she threw the wine on him. It was white wine, luckily. Ken Fulk, designerThe old adage says to avoid discussing politics or religion at a party, but politics are so all-consuming right now. It’s crucial to be thoughtful. The art of civil discourse appears to be lost, and I think it’s time to resurrect that. Rufus WainwrightI was at a dinner party the other night with my husband, and he brought up what was going on in Israel with some Israelis. It got heated. It didn’t end in agreement, but they were able to be civil afterward, and I was impressed by that. I do think we actually live in an age where you should at least address some of the things that are happening. Don’t expect to solve anything — but we can’t ignore it, obviously. Sara Ruffin CostelloI think you want to avoid talking about actually having sex with your husband. Nobody wants to hear that. I don’t even want to hear Giselle talking about that. 6 Houseguests There is someone in the spare bedroom for an extended stay. Maybe that someone is you. What now? Emma Gwyther, brand consultancy executiveArriving with an appropriate host gift is a nice way to start. And I wouldn’t extend or shorten your trip without prior notice, because your hosts are blocking out their calendar. Ariel ArceDo things without being asked. Do the dishes. Take out the trash. Don’t leave hair in the sink. Kendall WertsYou can be cute. But don’t think you’re décor. Never show up empty-handed. Bring a bottle — vodka or tequila or white wine. Nothing worse than a bottle of red wine that spills. Offer to help make breakfast. Sedi Sithebe, event plannerWhen you’re staying at someone’s house, don’t use it as a hotel. And don’t sleep in. I can’t stand when people sleep in, in my house! And don’t leave your bed unmade. Fill the fridge. Unload the dishes. And make sure the matriarch of the family is happy. That is the way you get invited back. Elise TaylorThe worst houseguests are high-maintenance. Figure out how to get there without bombarding the host with texts. I assure you, your transportation quandaries can be solved via Google. Nikki Haskell, socialiteHouseguests cannot bring guests. Those are the ones who burn a hole in the duvet and steal the car. Patricia Altschul, “Southern Charm” cast member, socialiteA houseguest should never appear with an animal or an extra person, unless they have arranged it beforehand. They should never be demanding, messy or sleep with the hostess’s husband or wife. 7 Drinking, Gummies, Etc. Our interviewees had thoughts on how to survive a party — with or without drugs or alcohol. Maneesh GoyalDrink your drink of choice, but never over-drink. Do that on a bar crawl with your best homies, but never do that at someone’s home. Amy Sacco, nightlife impresarioManage your cocktails. Manage your edibles. Patricia AltschulHere in the South, the topic of when to say when is not something that one has to consider. My favorite quote is from Dorothy Parker: “I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three, I’m under the table. After four, I’m under my host.”But if someone has had too much to drink, I usually offer to help them get home and call them a car. They usually don’t realize I’m also pushing them out the door. I once had a guest who had too much to drink. He said goodbye, and I thought he had left. The next morning, the butler discovered him passed out on the dog bed! Joey Wölffer, co-owner, Wölffer Estate VineyardI know exactly how much alcohol I can have before I am not presenting myself well. I like people having fun, but slurring? You are not coming back, if you’re a slurrer. At a certain age, too, you just can’t do that anymore. The drug thing is not my thing, so I don’t get the mushroom party thing. Sara Ruffin CostelloWhat gets you invited back is mushrooms. Bringing them. What doesn’t get you invited back is also bringing mushrooms. So that can go both ways. Elise TaylorFollow your host’s lead. If they want to have a wild night, they’re probably hoping you will partake along with them. But if they’re not a weed smoker, now’s not the time to break out the pen. Rufus WainwrightI’m amazed at how, when I was using a lot of drugs and drinking a lot, how I really believed that everybody was doing it. And once I stopped, I was like, No, I was kind of the only one. Athena CalderoneI am team gummies as long as it’s giggly and not too slippery. Ha ha ha! I mean, we’ve all had those nights when someone else has had to put us to bed. So, no judgment. 8 When the Party’s Over How do you leave gracefully? And what about the dishes? Kendall WertsNever say goodbye. Send a text the day after. Wes GordonI tend to say goodbye discreetly. I am an admitted homebody and one of the first to leave, so I don’t want to bring the mood down. Ivy Mix, bar owner, bartender, authorI personally think saying goodbye is important. Especially to the host. But if you can’t find them, or if slipping out the door is the only way to get out, then a text saying goodbye should do. No matter what, I always send a text thanking the host and saying how nice the evening was. That goes a long, long way. Ivy Getty, socialite, modelI’m the biggest believer in Irish exits. I think that if you tell people you are leaving, it’s kind of disappointing, so why would you tell them? It raises this whole point of “You’re leaving?” And it pauses the whole vibe. Rufus WainwrightHugs and kisses and all of that is great. But I’m a fan of the French exit. If somebody just disappears without a word, I think that that’s totally fine.One of the most fabulous things that my husband and I have experienced is, we were at dinner with Bette Midler, and she insists on doing the dishes, wherever she is, at her house, or at somebody else’s house. “I’m doing the dishes!” She needs to do the dishes. That’s probably one of the reasons she’s so successful — she knows she could do dishes, if she had to. Maneesh GoyalTo get invited back, there is the art of the thank you. If it comes too soon, like when you’re in someone’s driveway, it doesn’t seem considered. A text is fine, but something handwritten is beautiful. Susan GutfreundThis is a huge new thing in New York, where people no longer thank. I’m old enough and spoiled enough that, if I make an effort to give a dinner party and invite you, I hope you will acknowledge it. It’s just old-fashioned manners. When you’re invited, and you accept, you thank. Amy SaccoIf you had a good time, even if it’s a week later, call and say, “Just thinking of you today, thank you again for a beautiful evening.” Or put that on a card with a stamp and throw it in the mail. It’s lovely to get something like that. Handwritten cards are wonderful. Max TucciWe’re not in the handwritten note days anymore, but send something afterward, a thank-you note, a follow-up. And don’t use the word “can’t,” as in, “I can’t wait to see you again.” No! Make it: “I look forward to seeing you again.” Something that evokes that positive energy into the next step. Molly Jong-FastTexts are fine. Patricia AltschulMy mother had an expression: “The queen leaves before the footman.” Meaning: Do not be the last person to leave a party!As the hostess, I expect everyone to leave at the designated time. If they don’t, I have several foolproof ways of dealing with stragglers. First, I turn off the music. Then I walk around with a candle snuffer in hand, gradually extinguishing the candles. Finally, I start picking up the glasses, even the ones people are still drinking from.Once the room is dark and the alcohol has stopped flowing, most guests get the message. But there’s always someone who foolishly believes you want the party to go on all night. That’s when I say, “Do you need me to call you a car?”